sanctity of self

"i am a radiant center of divine love."



i began at eighteen, when i started college, to be very dependent on the people around me for my self worth. it wasn't so much a self esteem issue, because it wasn't that i didn't like myself, it was that i didn't know myself. because of that, i was bored...so very bored with "me", so i wanted to take in everyone else. i probably sucked the life out of everyone around me. i didn't have the confidence to make it a wide range of people that i sucked from, so i became very dependent. there were a lot of factors involved with the many poor relational choices i made those four years, but many of them stemmed from boredom. this was no bad reflection of my friends, just my lack of ability to be entertained by my own personality.

the year after i graduated at such a young twenty-two, i found myself just so glad to be out of the bed i'd made for myself, that i was genuinely happy about everything. but, more importantly, i began to get to know myself. i can remember being alone in my first by myself apartment at twenty-two and thinking, "if i could choose to hang out with anyone in the world tonight, it would totally be me." that year, i acquired a very big group of friends who were so uplifting. they were my mirrors. they held me accountable and lifted me up at the same time. but...i was never dependent on them for my self worth.

i read in a magazine once that women are the happiest in their thirties because they spend their twenties figuring out who they are and their thirties enjoying the things that are important to them. i completely agree. now, however, my problem is no longer liking myself. i LOVE myself, although i'm not at all keen on my physical self. (jay from project runway mentioned that he hated his body and loved his mind...he might be my twin.) i get pissed when something takes away from my "me" time. i could swim in the ocean of my own mind for hours.

i can become too absorbed in my own interests and miss time with other people. i think i might sometimes make a shrine to my own amusements. i guess... as i go into my thirties (all too soon), i want to make sure that i'm still willing to sacrifice a little bit of that self that i've grown so fond of.

laid bare

you know those people who, for whatever reason, acquire this following of fans, people who admire them and love them without equivocation. maybe they're famous, maybe not. maybe it's because of their talent, a beautiful voice or artwork that captures the soul. maybe they're just a beautiful person from the inside out. maybe they're the sort of person who makes you feel like the sun is shining on you when you're around them, like nathan does stingo in sophie's choice. i'm always amazed when i cross paths with someone like that. i'm much more amazed when that person consistently makes her/himself open and vulnerable. i wanna warn them, tell them they may be taken advantage of. they wouldn't listen. they're taking chances with their most valuable possesison...themselves.

i hope there will be times when i'll inspire other people. i hope that i'll have enough courage to be so laid bare. i wanna be that transparent. maybe i'll never have "fans." i don't sing or design or make large audiences laugh until they cry. i still hope i can shine a little sunshine on a few faces. i think that's a pretty good goal.